I always figured that if God had a job to do and needed someone to act on his behalf here on earth that he’d choose someone who was perfectly qualified to get the job done.
I try, have tried, and am trying to be that person whom God might want to entrust with one of his jobs. Frankly, it’s exhausting. Toiling away at striving, perfecting, and keeping up appearances that I am, indeed, worthy of the task is a never-ending job. Worse yet, I continually fall short of making myself the perfect candidate. Every. Single. Time.
That’s why I love the story of Rahab. She’s far from the model citizen. But she believes who God is and what He can do. She wants in. And when faith collides with willingness, we get to see God’s power at work.
I might have insomnia. Some nights…sometimes for many nights in a row…sleep eludes me.
There could be many explanations for my strange behavior. Perhaps I am just not tired. Maybe I feel the need to organize my closets, cupboards or Tupperware drawer (type A personalities do this. I know, it’s strange). But more likely than not, my inability to fall asleep has to do with my reluctance to forgive someone for something that was said or done to me. Sometimes I’m reluctant to forgive myself for an offense I committed. Either way, in the dark of the night, when everyone is fast asleep, I find myself face to face with God. And it’s uncomfortable, to say the least.
Sometimes I’ll try to run from this uncomfortable feeling by watching a movie or listening to music. Other times, I’ll physically run—on the treadmill or even outside. I just need to move. I need to escape my own thoughts. But chances are, that no matter how I busy my mind and my body, when I finally tire and the music stops, I still have to confront the same challenge—God has called me to forgive, and I am reluctant to do so.